i believe in myself.

people pleaser.

2011-04-18T23:51:00.002-04:00

It's only been lately that I've tried to adopt a more selfish life style. For so Iong I've been a people pleaser at the expensive of myself. I've edited my online presence as to make other people more comfortable. I've been an "online person" since I was 16. I used to blog on my own site where I would update the HTML each time. It doesn't feel right to hold back but recently I've made my Twitter public and since then I've been more conscience of my online persona. It's really exhausting to think about, really.

I struggle at times when there is so much I want to say but I'm aware of who is going to see it. I know people are watching but that's a concept I've been aware of, it's not new. I want to be me in all aspects of my life and I never want to apologize for the things I say and do. I feel like I'm a good person deep down but I hate the fact I will be judged. I'm sensitive dammit and I care whether people like me or not.

Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should start "doing me" like so many others do.

this is what happens...

2011-02-05T02:44:00.000-05:00

....when I'm home alone on a Friday.

I have a lot of things coming up soon. Cassandraism.com is very close to launching. :)

♥

full moon.

2011-01-20T21:44:00.002-05:00

It's about time for a blog I think. It's been a stressful few months and most of my energy was devoted to picking myself up yet again, dusting off my shoulders and diving into the fun task of finding work.

I struggle at times with getting discouraged when a situation I'm disappointed in something (or someone). I hang on too long to pain. I'm moody and sensitive, a Cancer through and through. I don't take rejection well either but I feel like the tide is going to change and my patience will be worth it.

2010 was an interesting year. I started it off with one of my best friends from high school and my little brother in my hometown. As much as I missed California at that time, I'm so glad I was able to reconnect with people again. These people didn't know the crazy me and I was reminded of little parts of myself I forgot.

I was also doing the substitute teacher thing which I believe really helped me get out of my shell for good. Being able to get a room full of rude, obnoxious 17+ year olds to sit down and be quiet for more than 5 minutes would break some people. I yelled and threatened and told them off. Anyone who knows me at all knows I never raise my voice. :P

Then I made the goal to move back to Los Angeles so that's exactly what I did. I remember now that I can do anything I put my mind to. I forget that when things get rough. I'm still looking for the perfect job that will support the life I have planned for myself. I have a vision now and a plan to execute it. I'm doing things out of my comfort zone this year.

This blog is going to get a lot more attention. I have big plans for my little brand. ;)

road trip etc.

2010-10-08T19:11:00.003-04:00

Since my cross country adventure with my brother in June, I have had an extremely messy car until today. My aunt and uncle would be so proud. ;) I'm never in my car very long and I never go in the backseat so I tend to forget what's back there until someone hops in and I get embarrassed. Since living with my aunt again I've become a very clean person. I'm thankful for that. :)

Anyway, I was in the backseat throwing receipts into a Trader Joe's reusable bag and I came across some receipts from the trip. My brother had a thing where he would print out the receipt each time and record how many miles per gallon we did. I only found 3 and he literally made little notes. It's really cute. I wish I had them all, I'm definitely going to save them.

I get very nostalgic about things. Movie tickets, concert tickets and flyers, directions to someone's house. Those are little things that are so personal but so simple. My most prized possession is a handwritten journal my mom wrote when she and 2 friends drove from the upper peninsula of Michigan to Texas where she met my dad for the first time then biked back up to Michigan. She took notes of which freeways she took, the places they stopped, what she ate and when she exercised. I found it again when I was back home and read it for the first time in probably 10 years. She's been gone 17 years this month so October is a hard month for me. Reading the journal was like listening to her speak, she used to say the cutest things and you forget little things like that after so long. I was so young too and when you're that age you're not thinking that your mother won't live forever. It's sad that I remember the last year of her life the most.

The journal spiked my interest in road trips again and I was really excited when the idea to come back to California popped in my head - it just felt right. I asked my brother pretty much right away if he would make the trip with me. I was surprised and happy when he agreed to do it. He had never been to the west coast before so I thought it would be an amazing experience for him. He got to experience the desert, the mountains in Colorado, Las Vegas then California. I think he liked the ocean at Venice the best. It was fun to be able to experience that with him. I also felt like it was something our mom would have loved to do with us. <3

I don't know what it it but I feel really inspired lately. The more I go out in Los Angeles the more I realize where I want to be in my life. This city has always made me push myself to be better even when I was the most down. I'm at a different place in my life and I've been through a lot since I was here last. I have goals now and those are helping me to get out of the rut I was in after adjusting to the move.

I'm starting to create and make plans for other things. It makes me feel whole again. They say you should follow your bliss and I much rather do that than worry. Everything works out okay, sometimes it just takes a while. I'm definitely grown to be a much more patient person this year.

open your eyes, everything will change.

2010-10-06T00:38:00.004-04:00

My head is still spinning from all the changes I've experienced in the last few months. I didn't realize how much uprooting my life (once again) would take a toll on me. I've moved around all my life, you'd think I'd be used to it. It's not easy though, it breaks your heart a little bit each time. All of the goodbyes and the tears that follow.

Just 4 months ago I was a substitute teacher at a school I attended for only a few months my junior year. That was the only school where I never made any friends. I've moved a lot in my life and never before did I experience such a wall. I was probably a weirdo there but I was thankful for that. I've always loved being a little to the left or the right... off center but special. Haha, that reminds me of a friend I had in 4th grade. One day we were sitting at her counter and she was filling out a form of some kind and there was a box that asked if she was special and of course she said, "yes, I'm a special child!" I've always thought that was cute - it's crazy how our society changes our spin on things.

Anyway... substituting was such an odd experience. I filled in for every subject in every grade from kindergarten to 12th grade. You'd see the difference between the ages of 10 and 13 and how much a child changes (or warps) during those development years. Some children had parents in jail or on drugs and those were the kids with the most issues. Then you'd hear little jerks in the 9th grade say that they wished their parents dealt crack so they could have more money. I'd hear them call either gay and write "f----ot" on wide ruled paper as an insult. I always sent them to the principals office for that, no exception. I would fight with 13 year olds who didn't understand what "no talking" meant.

There's another theme I need to explore in this blog, substitute teaching. I was very silent during that time because people are crafty and I'm sure some know where my blog is. I can talk all I want now and Cassandraism.com is coming very soon. I finally nailed down a site design tonight - hopefully this week I'll have all the code down. Goals are nice to have.

untitled.

2010-09-20T16:54:00.003-04:00

after darkness there is light
for every ending there is a beginning
it all comes back around again
pain is temporary but necessary
learning to appreciate the beautiful moments
disappointment feels like heartache
a constant emotional rollercoaster
up and down a smile into a frown
triggers turn it back around
self pity is useless
twisting and turning correct perception
patience seems distant
nothing comes easy, always a tease
worry is endless and absorbing
i fight and scratch my way to peace
the small moments are worth it
laugher love light and beauty
i don't ask for much
fighting feels wrong and damaging
i feel my faith slipping
the rule i lived by was golden
questioning it ruins my inner eye
they tell me i'm strong
but no one can hear my brain
scared to tell them the truth
history is hard to fake
adult at ten years old
youth is an illusion

good love pt I.

2010-09-04T02:41:00.001-04:00

It was a song by Jeff Buckley (previously mentioned) called "Lover You Should Have Come Over" that made me realize I was still in love with my first love. It's amazing to me how much music can hit that chord in you that makes you feel alive and not so alone.

I always wanted to be a musician when I was younger. Music was something higher to me and I wanted to be part of it. I tried my hand at saxophone, piano and guitar - in that order. I failed because I didn't have the patience to practice nor did I want to cut my nails to resist the tapping on the keys.

I'm not sure how it happened but I turned to dance. Well, that's a lie, I do know. When I was 9 or 10 I was in my aunt and uncle's family room watching MTV and a video called "7" by Prince came on. In it was an amazing belly dancer named Mayte. I had never liked Prince before this video, I had no interest. But the dancer intrigued me, she was so graceful and lovely. I think it was at about that time I used to copy dance moves from music videos in my room into the mirror. I did this daily for 5 years more.

As I got older I became more confident in my skills as a dancer. At school dances I had a blast trying out the moves I practiced so much home alone and when I got positive response, I knew I had talent and I loved it. I respected dancers so much, their grace and the way they expressed themselves through movement. I had found my creative release.

I just realized how long this journal entry is about to become.. next week I'll do part two. :)

back.

2010-08-07T02:28:00.003-04:00

Wow, I've really neglected this journal for way too long. I'm actually in the process of creating cassandraism.com but as always I'm super picky when it comes to my own site. That and life has dramatically changed in the last 6+ months.

I did end up making a plan. I decided after a trip to Los Angeles in February that it's the city where my heart is. I feel at home in California more so than I have anywhere else my entire life. And I've moved around a lot - 7 different school districts before I graduated. Anyway.. I made the plan to come back and worked my ass off as a substitute teacher from November until June (stay tuned for the blogs about that experience, wow.)

I'm here now and it's crazy. I do feel proud of myself for doing what I set out to do. It's tough changing your life so dramatically, you'd think I would be used to it. I am at that age now where I went to settle down. I feel inspired in so many ways - I just need to get the money situation right before I can pursue those things I neglected the first time around.

Stay tuned.

♥

a truly fresh start.

2010-01-20T15:39:00.002-05:00

Life has suddenly become more livable now that I have something to work towards. This trip to Los Angeles next month is really inspiring me. I have all these concepts, ideas and plans I want to make happen. I've never felt so creative before. It's like a part of myself that I've let lay dormant for so long is now alive and well again and I couldn't be more excited.

What's really helping me is letting go of the past. I've had too much negativity in my life, for the most part I was living in it. I felt hopeless and alone in the world and I participated in behaviors that only brought on more negativity. It's alarming how easily you can fall into a vicious cycle like that.

I'm not a religious person (at all) but I do have faith in something now, and that is in myself. Learning to let go and listen to your own inner voice, finding passion again and wanting your own life to mean something makes all of the difference. I want to find happiness and love and I will go wherever I need to to find it. Life is too short to wait for the right opportunity to pop into your life, sometimes you have to make things happen yourself.

And that's exactly what I plan to do.

viva 2010!

2010-01-01T15:45:00.001-05:00

So yay, I can finally write the goodbye 2009 post. You were a bitch of a year but you did introduce me to Jeff Buckley, lovely friend old and new... I went back to high school and in the process remembered how I used to spend my nights when life was easy. Hung out with friends I knew then, belly danced again. 2008 was about losing myself and this year I got myself back. Now I'm ready to move on with my life with love and lessons learned. I won't digress about the bad/stupid things that happened, I want to keep those things in the past.

Happy New Year, loves!
Be safe and let's make 2010 one to remember.

xoxoxo

♥

jeff buckley - my angel.

2009-11-17T15:55:00.004-05:00

This has been a very hard year for me. I felt so down and out - nothing was working out for me. When I was feeling the most confused a good friend of mine, Theresa, told me about a song called "Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley. I had heard his name before because I'm a big Chris Cornell fan and I knew that he wrote his song "Wave Goodbye" about Jeff. I'd never bothered to check him out before but I did this time and the song above - "Grace" - hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried hysterically every time I listened to it. The words, the melody, the music.. but mostly his voice was perfect. I cried for how the music touched me but I also cried because it saddened me to find out that he died in 1997. Such a tragedy.

It's weird because listening to his music is very much like a religious experience to me. He's a kind of prophet and I don't pray to him or anything but I gain comfort and understanding through his music. I honestly don't know what I would have done without his music this year. It's strange how he came to me just when I needed him. I've learned how important it is to keep connection between us and the people who have passed on.

His words feel like mine. He vocalized how I feel inside with his voice and music. I don't feel so alone so I become inspired. Words flow, images appear - I fall into peace. I feel like I understand more than I should about life, its purpose - the possibilities. I have faith that things happen like they are supposed to. The fight is always worth it if your intentions are pure and full of love. Love is pain and joy and LIFE. Happiness isn't wealth or possessions - it's the small moments and the memories we leave behind.

So, thank you Jeff - where ever you are and Happy Birthday.

self.

2009-10-22T05:07:00.006-04:00

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal. I guess it's because I'm very cautious as to what I post here because I want to only write when I'm clearheaded and inspired. I battled deep bouts of depression after messing up and losing a job I was very excited about in July. It wasn't in my field but I enjoyed the environment and the people I worked with. But as I've learned many times before, everything happens for a reason - although this time it took me a little longer to figure it out.

Returning to my hometown was bittersweet. I had just endured abuse and so much hurt from a person I thought I really loved. I felt defeated and very much a failure. I had made a home in Los Angeles only to leave it all behind and have to start all over again in the place I grew up - but it is also a town I feel I've grown OUT of. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy being back here. I've reconnected with friends who remember me before I went through some changes out in the big city. I say "big city" because my hometown is very small - Potsdam, NY. Everyone knows everyone (and their business). Anyway, I rediscovered so much of myself that I've forgotten. I even got to perform again doing a belly dance routine at the town's summer festival. That fire was back in me and it was beautiful.

Two days later I was fired from the job in this town. Immediately I felt disconnected from the community I was just beginning to get used to again. I tried applying to any job I could think of even though I knew I was overqualified for each one. None of them panned out and my self esteem took quite a beating. I did consider making a life here but just didn't work out that way. That's not to say I didn't try because I tried very hard. When something is wrong, I believe the Universe will let you know. Oh, I know for sure now and I feel comfortable enough to walk away because I did try SO hard. I had to take a step back and figure out how I was going to make myself content again.

Now I have a plan - I decided I want to move to an east coast city. As soon as that plan popped into my head, I felt better. I spent time with family again and my depression melted away. All it took was a goal and it felt so right. I saw little signs everywhere telling me I was on the right track. Very soon after, I finally got offered some employment - still not in my field but I'm excited about it because it will fund the next move in my life. But to accept this job I have to leave Potsdam. It's bittersweet because I'll miss seeing my friends as much (it's 30 miles away and I don't have a car) but I'll be with my family again where I'm the most comfortable. They are my backbone and always so supportive - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I've learned a lot about myself this year and now I have such a defined sense of self. Finally.

There's so much more to come.....

unrequited.

2009-06-19T02:16:00.000-04:00

is it better to be in love
or to deny that it ever happened
heart immersed in the resolve of another
unrequited in wishful thinking
longing for the taste
of that one special embrace
the soul is bleeding
but never conceding

i've seen the future & it will be.

2009-04-17T21:06:00.008-04:00

A beautiful girl I know in New York City took this photo. It's rare for me to like a smiling photo of me.

The tides are starting to change. I need change. Sooner rather than later.

i'm never cryptic on purpose.

2009-03-22T01:12:00.004-04:00

Do you remember those books that came out where you would go through the story and then at the end of the chapter you had the option to chose which page was next? Those were fun - although I always cheated. Sometimes I wish that life was more like that... we are shown option A and B and each option brings us to a different path. What I loved the most about those books was the possibility go back and try again. Life isn't like that. Once our choices are made there isn't anything we can do to correct them.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason and life doesn't halt but instead keeps on flowing. Right now I'm faced with many options and avenues I can take my life but I'm unsure of which way I want to go. My indecisiveness always seems to get the best of me, unfortunately. I'm afraid of taking a leap into the unknown.

I don't know where this is coming from or why I feel this way now. I guess my current state of limbo allows these concepts to come to the forefront of my mind and I'm stuck pondering about them. I guess in a way the infinite possibilities do excite me. I am thankful, however, that I'm lacking a lot of material goods so I'm feel to travel as I see fit. It's the pesky money problem that always gets in the way. I love money when I have it, hate it when I don't.

The space around me is restless and I feel a shift change in the air. Finally.

unknown.

2009-03-04T03:10:00.001-05:00

push and pull
fighting myself
past and present
which is my future
thinking i know
the answers
nothing is ever sure
only questions
dark fog
of the unknown

scuola.

2009-03-02T15:54:00.003-05:00

The same thing happened when I left high school, I missed learning. Now that I'm out of college I'm wishing I was back in. I really love learning more and more as I get older. I've briefly considered going back for another major but unfortunately, school is expensive and I have enough school debt as it is. I wish I lived in a bigger city right now that would have classes that I'd be interested in taking. Maybe someday.

But for now I've decided to take this problem and solve it myself. I'm going to do more reading and making goals for myself. Maybe ask around for topics I can study, I'm not sure how to go about it. It's all an experiment and I'm pretty jazzed about it.

I do want to learn Italian and I got an idea to track down some basic school books on the subject, maybe Amazon or ebay will have something like that. I know a little Spanish from 3 years in high school and a little French from the same amount of time, so maybe that will help me.

There's just so much to know out there and I don't want to halt my intellect.

muse.

2009-02-23T00:20:00.004-05:00

My creative juices seem to come in waves. Waves I can never really cling on to as much as I would like. I like to take little notes so the ideas I have don't fly out of my head too fast (I really hate how scatter brained I can be sometimes). I have a whole list of things I want to do but I can't find the right inspirations to follow them through.

A good friend of mine talked about the concept of a muse the other day. I've been close to having a muse before but it never lasted very long and at the time, I was always too distracted to have anything come from it. Sad. Other times my muse has been emotions - love, anger, sadness... but again, the same thing has happened. It's the pesky scatter brain and overly emotional states I tend to throw myself into.

This all frustrates me. I know I could accomplish some beautiful things for myself but I constantly get distracted. This is something I really miss about being in school. Art school was amazing for me because how they make you think and really get outside of yourself... to pick things apart. I don't look at the world in the same way. When I look at a poster I pick it apart and comment about the font choices. When I watch a film I notice the shot choices. I adore art. Art is life and the artist's view of the world is represented through their art.

I guess I just want my thoughts and vision to be represented also. I want to make my little mark beyond words on a blog. I don't want to be famous by any means (Los Angeles reminded me that that's the last thing I want) but I do want to feel connected with people the way I feel connected to certain artists.

I want to see beauty through your eyes..

renewal.

2009-02-05T13:57:00.004-05:00

It really amazes me what a year can do. Where I am in my life is no where where I thought I would be. I'm so hopeful and happy for the future surrounded by some beautiful souls.

Art is going to become more of a fixture in my life. I have some words and photos to post, very soon.

pour.

2009-01-28T01:03:00.001-05:00

Lust is cheap

Love is priceless

My heart is worth millions.

the cozy grey area of life.

2009-01-16T14:32:00.004-05:00

I've always believed that life is about balance and moderation. It's finding that balance that's always been my problem. When I'm into something I'm INTO it. In the past I've been INTO very bad things and I had to have some rude awakenings to realize that they were bad. I'm very open-minded and adventurous and I experimented a lot with things I shouldn't have in Los Angeles. I guess you could say I was very into mind altering substances.

Then I had my rude awakening and I fought my own temptations to get over the substance I most "enjoyed." I had to stay away from people who supplied it for me and keep myself from getting bored. There was a period of time where I had no days off because of work and school. I would come home and crash and there was no time in my schedule for bad things. That kept me out of trouble. I relapsed a few times and when I did, I felt so horrible about it. The last time I relapsed was in March 2008 and trust me, it wasn't easy or fun.

I haven't been giving myself credit for kicking the stuff on my own. I started NA meetings recently and for some reason, I felt like I needed to be there. I forgot about the time I already had under my belt. Sure, I used other things but not for very long and I never had that same sense of craving. It's like I finally grew up.

So now I'm learning that I can balance myself. I don't need to use bad things, but not all "drugs" are bad things. It's fine to have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer from time to time. I just know I don't want to get trashed again (see you later, Jack Daniels) because that's when I really had a problem. I CAN control myself. I am thankful though that I got that period of experimentation out of my system at a young age. I know better now and I know now not to make the same mistakes.

I want my life to be full and happy, don't we all? I don't think everything is so black and white.... the cozy grey area is the one I prefer.

who brought me here...

2009-01-12T00:32:00.002-05:00

fragile girl.

2009-01-11T02:10:00.004-05:00

skin soft with eyes bright

a grace that fights against the darkest night

hair long in tangled strands

any secret you keep she surely understands

you crave to keep, to have, to hold

this fragile girl is a beautiful story yet to be told

heart.

2009-01-05T11:22:00.002-05:00

my words are floating

in a space of wilted flowers

a home cannot be found

when there is contempt of the heart

i want to be filled with light

to find warm in a soul

beautiful and open

but ever so bold

giving up the joke.

2009-01-04T14:05:00.001-05:00

I've decided to go with a more sober lifestyle. No more booze (of any form), no more drugs (including weed and pills) and no more bad relationships with people who don't deserve my time. I've realized in this past year that I've been covering up my real issues with substances that numbed me. I went out and got wasted more times than I want to count. And I would laugh about it the next day. It was like I turned myself into my own joke. And after everything that went down this year, I can't do that to myself again. I know I'm worth more than this.

The clarity I've experienced this past week is mind blowing. It's scary, yes... but I see what the benefits are going to be already. I already have many plans to do things that will ENRICH my life instead of distracting myself from it.

I've started to go to Narcotics Anonymous and I've realized that I have a problem with alcohol and drugs. I kept hearing about people hitting their bottom and thinking that I haven't yet. That's another joke. My bottom was these last few months with the "man" I was seeing. I was broke, brainwashed, controlled, isolated and clearly dependent on pot and beer. Without it I was able to see who he really was that that was too much for me to handle. I had altered my whole life for him and all he did was suck me dry and make me feel like I was worthless.

I felt like I screwed up my life beyond repair. I was so ashamed and lonely. I didn't want anyone to see how weak I had become. I really hate admitting defeat. All my life I had to be strong and it's so fucking exhausting. I wanted a break and I found it in drugs - or so I thought. It's hard now to change my patterns and to find things to replace all the time spent. But I'm willing....

two thousand and nine.

2009-01-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

I cannot express how thankful I am for the new year. I'm using it as a catalyst to turn my life around. I've erased people, surroundings and other variables that have been hindering my own personal growth. This year is going to be about finding out who Cassandra is again. I forgot her and I miss her oh so much. I guess you could say that I'm going back to my roots, both figuratively and literally.

Steps have already been taken and I have a lot of plans for myself. I decided to try living my life sober meaning no alcohol or drugs. Living in a city like Los Angeles where drugs are part of the culture, I want to learn how to have fun and enjoy things without putting toxins in my body. I'm going to be replacing them with more positive things like mediation, exercise, art, dance and many other new things I've never tried before.

I feel like I'm falling in love with myself again. I've spent a lot of time recently giving myself up to people who never had my best interests at heart. I was so busy trying to keep someone else comfortable and happy that I suffered greatly. I don't blame anyone though because that path is what lead me to where I am today. There is no way I'll ever go backwards. Life has so much to offer and I want to experience it all. And remember it!

This blog will get a lot more personal in the coming months. If you are out there reading this, I thank you and I hope you find comfort in my words as I do with so many other distant friends online. They make me feel not so alone. I just saw the loveliest film today called "PS. I Love You" and there was this wonderful line that said:

So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.

eat. pray. love.

2008-12-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

I bought Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and 158 pages in, I'm completely in love with it. It details her journeys to Italy, India and Indonesia where she examines different aspects of her life after a painful divorce and a broken heart. I can very much relate to this right now and her words are comforting to me. They also make me ache to travel abroad. As much as I love some American cities, I would love to see another country far far away. Experience life in different ways.

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable being very comfortable. I feel like there's so much out there in the world that I'm missing out on. I want to eat different foods, see art, hear new music. I want to live life to the fullest extent and not be tied down by possessions and such. That's not to say that I don't want to have a nice home or a family, maybe I do. But I would really like to focus on me for a while and experience what life has to offer. I'm not ready to settle down. I do want to work (doing something creative) and maybe I can try to find a job that will allow me to travel. That would be the ultimate.

2008 was a year where I spent a lot of my time trying to make someone else comfortable and happy. In doing that I forgot how to make Cassandra happy. I forgot about the little things I enjoyed in those quiet moments by myself. Somehow, I forgot how to be content in solitude.

And in reading this book, it's inspired me to seek the more spiritual side of myself. I want to explore different religions and philosophies and take things from each that I feel will fit me and my ideas and morals. I never believed in organized religion. To me, that's like eating one type of cuisine all your life - you simply miss out. But I don't look down on anyone who is happy in their chosen religion if that's what makes that happy. I just can't live my life like that.

I guess I just want to know the spiritual side of myself because it's a side I've never known. I'm very interested in mediation and tapping into my subconscious mind. I've meditated before and saw it's potential to do amazing things. I need that in my life right now. I don't want to feel like I need another person to complete me, but to compliment. I want to look in the mirror again and love the person looking back at me. And to stop finding acceptance in other people, my opinion is the only one that should matter.

love unconditional.

2008-12-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

I've never really been lucky in love. Either I was too shy to go after a person I wanted or too shy to show them my true self. But there have been rare times where I let my wall down and I allowed someone in. It took a lot for me to do so once it was done, I decided that no matter what I would work as best I could to make that so called relationship work. But things don't always go the way we plan and soon I found out that I was sacrificing my morals and standards for someone else's comfort.

I don't regret the loves I had because each taught me valuable lessons about myself and who I want to end up spending my life with. I learned that I need to love myself first and foremost before I can allow myself to love someone else. I'm number one in my life and no one has the right to try to make me think otherwise. My love will never die (love fades, it doesn't go away) for those individuals and I'll always remember the good times. But when the bad times outnumber the good times is when I need to step away, no matter how much it hurts.

Unconditional love doesn't mean sacrificing yourself for the people you love. Unconditional love is compromise and understanding. It's not name calling and abuse. It's hugs, kisses and trying to make things better despite differences and bruised egos. It's loving the people your love loves and making them fall in love with you too.

You simply can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I learned that love isn't always enough and that breaks my heart more than anything.

This quote from Stephen King's Secret Window has been ringing in my head all week:

(He) thought that a woman who would steal your love when your love when your love was really all you had, was not much of a woman.

janel marie.

2008-10-23T14:59:00.000-04:00

They say that time heals all wounds and unfortunately (no matter how much I wish that was true) it's not that way all of the time. There are certain cases where time makes the pain feel deeper. This is the case with losing a parent. My mom died fifteen years ago today and I can't think of a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of her.

I was very young when she passed - 10 years. It was a lot to take and I didn't understand at the time how much her death would effect the rest of my life. Not having her to go to for advice, her taking me shopping, showing me how to put on makeup or helping me get ready for my first date - I missed out on it all. And that's just the beginning - she won't be there to watch me get married (if I decide that's what I want to do, ever), have a child (again, if I decide to) or just see me grow up. It's a lot to take. So much so I don't even know where to start.

As time goes by I forget more and more things about her. The sound of her voice, what her skin felt like, how she walked... I don't remember any of those things. Those things that everyone takes for granted on a daily basis. She was so sweet and so beautiful. We had our fights but that's how it is with a mother and daughter. But the love was always there. We had fun together chasing my brother around the house.

She took wonderful care of my brother and I. We were her life and you could tell. She babied my brother Shane a lot just because that was her little boy. They were inseparable. My heart breaks daily because I know he misses her too. Deep down. I wish he would talk about it with me. I worry about him so much because I feel his loss too. He and I went through it all together and he's the only constant in my life. I'd do anything for him.

I've cried a lot today because I realized that no matter what I do, the pain will never go away. My tears are rare, I've cried so much. But I talk to her sometimes and I know she hears me. I feel her presence all the time. But I'm selfish and I want her back. I'd give up everything I have just to see her again, for a day or an hour.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do to mend it. No one can replace her and there will always be that empty part of my heart for her. She's with me where ever I go, I just hope she's happy where she is and that she's proud of me.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you more than words can express.

stretching the truth.

2008-10-15T18:43:00.000-04:00

I have no respect for someone who constantly chooses to stretch the truth... whether it be for their own protection or to manipulate others to get their way. Lies bring more lies, hurt feelings and bewilderment. It's selfish and cowardly. I realize that the truth isn't always the easiest thing to admit but sometimes the price of the lie is just too high.

Lately I've been feeling very nostalgic and secretly wishing I could go back in time for a while and experience those carefree and naive feelings again. Life was so simple then and I was so hopeful, invincible in a way. I'm not saying I'm not hopeful now but there have been so many obstacles put in front of me and I'm left with a multitude of questions. Questions that I feel I deserve the answers to. It's only fair, but I guess not everyone cares about fairness these days.

Honestly, I don't know to deal with selfish people, liars, cheaters, and people who are just plain evil. It doesn't commute in my mind and I'm left extremely confused. Why bother spending so much energy on negative things? What good can come of it? Eventually the people involved will catch on and karma will take effect.

I could never purposely hurt someone - I simply don't know how. I give all my trust and love to the people in my life and to hurt them would pain me more than hurting myself. But trust me, if someone wrongs me in some way - it's nearly impossible to win me over again. I can forgive (to a degree) but I can never forget. Life is too short to have people in my life who don't deserve me. I'm better than that and I much rather spend my time with people who are worthy.

true freedom.

2008-09-25T18:07:00.001-04:00

Please watch this with an open mind:

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/main.htm

abre los ojos, todo cambiará..........

art is life.

2008-09-24T15:44:00.000-04:00

I adore this. <3

When I was grade school, I always tried to be around other artists. My friends where in theater, music, fine art classes... the whole nine. I took every art class that I could and I loved every minute of it. I loved learning how people interpret life through their art - whether it be drama, music, a painting, choreography.. whatever. But we didn't have dance classes.

What I discovered early on is that I could do a little of each thing but not really excel at it. Maybe I didn't put enough energy into it, I don't know. But I would watch my best friend Tyler in all her activities. Tyler never ceased to amaze me. She played violin, drew/painted, and was the lead in a few of our school plays. I loved her energy and her passion for what she did. She painted me once and I remember the painting so vividly. She had to paint it while listening to my favorite music. At the time I was a huge Prince fan and I gave her a song to listen to (she hates it to this day, it wasn't one of his best..haha) and when I saw it I was taken aback. It looked so much like me and it really touched me that she knew me so well that she could recreate my likeness with just paint and a canvas.

Anyway.... all my friends were artists in some way. I relate to them more than anyone and that's never changed. I think part of it was that I couldn't quite figure out what my voice was. Maybe I just didn't have one at the time. I have a few pieces that I did hanging at my aunt's house in New York. I'm proud of those pieces but they are not my only form of expression - they are tangible.

My true artistic expression is dance. Dance is something that always came so natural to me. I grew up in the MTV generation and I would mimick music videos all the time. My 2 favorite dance artists growing up were Madonna and Paula Abdul - the choreography in their videos were so seductive and brillant. I would constantly dance in the mirror and make up routines.

After years and years of doing this I finally decided I wanted to take formal classes. I lived in a small town so I took what I could - jazz, tap, lyrical, modern, ballet (en pointe) and belly dance. I began performing at talent shows and I always placed. At school dances my friends and I would start the dance and pretty much every time I had a group of people watching me. It still happens if I get into that mode at a club.

When I first moved to LA in 2004 I went to this club in Santa Monica that had a very arabic vibe. I started to move and eventually it took me over. The next thing I knew I looked up and there was a circle of about 20 people around me. I got shy and creeped out but as I was walking out people were shaking my hand.

It still surprises me because dancing is something that I don't have any control over. It just happens. When I listen to music, I'm choreographing my head at all times. Give me a song and I'll get up and make a routine off the top of my head. I don't have a lot of formal training but to me, that makes it all the more special.

I don't dance much anymore. I'm not into the club scene so I find little moments to dance when I can. Whenever I walk to and from the kitchen, when I'm cooking, walking to the store... it makes me feel alive. It's my expression.

This also explains why I'm doing this blog. I understand things more than I used to now and I feel like I do have things to say. My voice is as important and anyone else's. I've had a bad habit of not feeling up to par with others - I compare too much and it's not necessarily. No one is the same. No one is better than another. We are all different and we all have something to say.

I feel like finally, after all this time, I know who Cassandra is. "Cassandraism" is something I thought of to label my theories on life. That's what this blog is all about.

the state of things.

2008-09-23T14:13:00.001-04:00

I've had a lot of wake up moments lately. I'm learning more and more about how people are and their motives. I may not understand why they do the things they do but I need to be aware to protect myself. I've given my trust to people who just wanted to use my kindness. That breaks my heart. I just want to be happy and for the people I love to be happy. I'll bend over backwards to make it happen.

My mother was the same way. She didn't see race or religion dispute being raised in a small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in a very religious family. She was there for her friends no matter what, even when she left the church and they dismissed her. And to see them crying at her funeral made me so angry. How can you ignore someone because they don't do what you want them to and then go around and show up at their funeral. I wasn't part of the church and as her daughter, I was insulted not to even be acknowledged.

It's the labels that we put on ourselves that divide us. I don't see myself as white, straight, brunette, agnostic.. whatever. I love who I love for who they are, not what they are. America prides itself on being a free country but obviously stereotypes reign and minds are still closed.

What's so wrong with being completely free?

Sean Penn's film "Into The Wild" really spoke to me. I highly recommend it.

the beginning.

2008-09-20T17:48:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a few years since I had a public blog. I have a few private ones that are protected by passwords and such and I don't talk about much except what's going on in my own personal life. Not necessarily something you want accessible to the rest of the world.

A lot has happened to me in the past year. Things I can't explain and are still very difficult to put into words. I'm not a language person as much as I would like to be. This is something I'm working on. My thoughts get mumbled in my head and my mouth can never seem to catch up. It sounds odd maybe but it's the best way to explain it.

This is why I'm very quiet when I first meet someone. I'm assessing things at all times and lately I've begun to go with the flow more and in that I've realized I've been missing out. I didn't work on my impulses enough and therefore I was stuck in a rut. A rut that was self inflicted.

New Years Eve was the beginning of what I like to call my enlightenment. If that sounds crazy to you, you haven't the faintest idea what that words means.

Back to what I was saying, why do a public blog now? Because now I feel like I have something to say. I don't know who will read this or who will care. But I feel like now is the time to let my thoughts be accessible to whoever would like to hear them. Maybe someone out there will identify with me and it's a sense of belonging and understanding that makes this world bearable.

This is the beginning of something beautiful.