i believe in myself.

It's only been lately that I've tried to adopt a more selfish life style. For so Iong I've been a people pleaser at the expensive of myself. I've edited my online presence as to make other people more comfortable. I've been an "online person" since I was 16. I used to blog on my own site where I would update the HTML each time. It doesn't feel right to hold back but recently I've made my Twitter public and since then I've been more conscience of my online persona. It's really exhausting to think about, really.

I struggle at times when there is so much I want to say but I'm aware of who is going to see it. I know people are watching but that's a concept I've been aware of, it's not new. I want to be me in all aspects of my life and I never want to apologize for the things I say and do. I feel like I'm a good person deep down but I hate the fact I will be judged. I'm sensitive dammit and I care whether people like me or not.

Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should start "doing me" like so many others do.

....when I'm home alone on a Friday.

I have a lot of things coming up soon. Cassandraism.com is very close to launching. :)

♥

It's about time for a blog I think. It's been a stressful few months and most of my energy was devoted to picking myself up yet again, dusting off my shoulders and diving into the fun task of finding work.

I struggle at times with getting discouraged when a situation I'm disappointed in something (or someone). I hang on too long to pain. I'm moody and sensitive, a Cancer through and through. I don't take rejection well either but I feel like the tide is going to change and my patience will be worth it.

2010 was an interesting year. I started it off with one of my best friends from high school and my little brother in my hometown. As much as I missed California at that time, I'm so glad I was able to reconnect with people again. These people didn't know the crazy me and I was reminded of little parts of myself I forgot.

I was also doing the substitute teacher thing which I believe really helped me get out of my shell for good. Being able to get a room full of rude, obnoxious 17+ year olds to sit down and be quiet for more than 5 minutes would break some people. I yelled and threatened and told them off. Anyone who knows me at all knows I never raise my voice. :P

Then I made the goal to move back to Los Angeles so that's exactly what I did. I remember now that I can do anything I put my mind to. I forget that when things get rough. I'm still looking for the perfect job that will support the life I have planned for myself. I have a vision now and a plan to execute it. I'm doing things out of my comfort zone this year.

This blog is going to get a lot more attention. I have big plans for my little brand. ;)

Since my cross country adventure with my brother in June, I have had an extremely messy car until today. My aunt and uncle would be so proud. ;) I'm never in my car very long and I never go in the backseat so I tend to forget what's back there until someone hops in and I get embarrassed. Since living with my aunt again I've become a very clean person. I'm thankful for that. :)

Anyway, I was in the backseat throwing receipts into a Trader Joe's reusable bag and I came across some receipts from the trip. My brother had a thing where he would print out the receipt each time and record how many miles per gallon we did. I only found 3 and he literally made little notes. It's really cute. I wish I had them all, I'm definitely going to save them.

I get very nostalgic about things. Movie tickets, concert tickets and flyers, directions to someone's house. Those are little things that are so personal but so simple. My most prized possession is a handwritten journal my mom wrote when she and 2 friends drove from the upper peninsula of Michigan to Texas where she met my dad for the first time then biked back up to Michigan. She took notes of which freeways she took, the places they stopped, what she ate and when she exercised. I found it again when I was back home and read it for the first time in probably 10 years. She's been gone 17 years this month so October is a hard month for me. Reading the journal was like listening to her speak, she used to say the cutest things and you forget little things like that after so long. I was so young too and when you're that age you're not thinking that your mother won't live forever. It's sad that I remember the last year of her life the most.

The journal spiked my interest in road trips again and I was really excited when the idea to come back to California popped in my head - it just felt right. I asked my brother pretty much right away if he would make the trip with me. I was surprised and happy when he agreed to do it. He had never been to the west coast before so I thought it would be an amazing experience for him. He got to experience the desert, the mountains in Colorado, Las Vegas then California. I think he liked the ocean at Venice the best. It was fun to be able to experience that with him. I also felt like it was something our mom would have loved to do with us. <3

I don't know what it it but I feel really inspired lately. The more I go out in Los Angeles the more I realize where I want to be in my life. This city has always made me push myself to be better even when I was the most down. I'm at a different place in my life and I've been through a lot since I was here last. I have goals now and those are helping me to get out of the rut I was in after adjusting to the move.

I'm starting to create and make plans for other things. It makes me feel whole again. They say you should follow your bliss and I much rather do that than worry. Everything works out okay, sometimes it just takes a while. I'm definitely grown to be a much more patient person this year.

My head is still spinning from all the changes I've experienced in the last few months. I didn't realize how much uprooting my life (once again) would take a toll on me. I've moved around all my life, you'd think I'd be used to it. It's not easy though, it breaks your heart a little bit each time. All of the goodbyes and the tears that follow.

Just 4 months ago I was a substitute teacher at a school I attended for only a few months my junior year. That was the only school where I never made any friends. I've moved a lot in my life and never before did I experience such a wall. I was probably a weirdo there but I was thankful for that. I've always loved being a little to the left or the right... off center but special. Haha, that reminds me of a friend I had in 4th grade. One day we were sitting at her counter and she was filling out a form of some kind and there was a box that asked if she was special and of course she said, "yes, I'm a special child!" I've always thought that was cute - it's crazy how our society changes our spin on things.

Anyway... substituting was such an odd experience. I filled in for every subject in every grade from kindergarten to 12th grade. You'd see the difference between the ages of 10 and 13 and how much a child changes (or warps) during those development years. Some children had parents in jail or on drugs and those were the kids with the most issues. Then you'd hear little jerks in the 9th grade say that they wished their parents dealt crack so they could have more money. I'd hear them call either gay and write "f----ot" on wide ruled paper as an insult. I always sent them to the principals office for that, no exception. I would fight with 13 year olds who didn't understand what "no talking" meant.

There's another theme I need to explore in this blog, substitute teaching. I was very silent during that time because people are crafty and I'm sure some know where my blog is. I can talk all I want now and Cassandraism.com is coming very soon. I finally nailed down a site design tonight - hopefully this week I'll have all the code down. Goals are nice to have.

after darkness there is light
for every ending there is a beginning
it all comes back around again
pain is temporary but necessary
learning to appreciate the beautiful moments
disappointment feels like heartache
a constant emotional rollercoaster
up and down a smile into a frown
triggers turn it back around
self pity is useless
twisting and turning correct perception
patience seems distant
nothing comes easy, always a tease
worry is endless and absorbing
i fight and scratch my way to peace
the small moments are worth it
laugher love light and beauty
i don't ask for much
fighting feels wrong and damaging
i feel my faith slipping
the rule i lived by was golden
questioning it ruins my inner eye
they tell me i'm strong
but no one can hear my brain
scared to tell them the truth
history is hard to fake
adult at ten years old
youth is an illusion

It was a song by Jeff Buckley (previously mentioned) called "Lover You Should Have Come Over" that made me realize I was still in love with my first love. It's amazing to me how much music can hit that chord in you that makes you feel alive and not so alone.

I always wanted to be a musician when I was younger. Music was something higher to me and I wanted to be part of it. I tried my hand at saxophone, piano and guitar - in that order. I failed because I didn't have the patience to practice nor did I want to cut my nails to resist the tapping on the keys.

I'm not sure how it happened but I turned to dance. Well, that's a lie, I do know. When I was 9 or 10 I was in my aunt and uncle's family room watching MTV and a video called "7" by Prince came on. In it was an amazing belly dancer named Mayte. I had never liked Prince before this video, I had no interest. But the dancer intrigued me, she was so graceful and lovely. I think it was at about that time I used to copy dance moves from music videos in my room into the mirror. I did this daily for 5 years more.

As I got older I became more confident in my skills as a dancer. At school dances I had a blast trying out the moves I practiced so much home alone and when I got positive response, I knew I had talent and I loved it. I respected dancers so much, their grace and the way they expressed themselves through movement. I had found my creative release.

I just realized how long this journal entry is about to become.. next week I'll do part two. :)

Wow, I've really neglected this journal for way too long. I'm actually in the process of creating cassandraism.com but as always I'm super picky when it comes to my own site. That and life has dramatically changed in the last 6+ months.

I did end up making a plan. I decided after a trip to Los Angeles in February that it's the city where my heart is. I feel at home in California more so than I have anywhere else my entire life. And I've moved around a lot - 7 different school districts before I graduated. Anyway.. I made the plan to come back and worked my ass off as a substitute teacher from November until June (stay tuned for the blogs about that experience, wow.)

I'm here now and it's crazy. I do feel proud of myself for doing what I set out to do. It's tough changing your life so dramatically, you'd think I would be used to it. I am at that age now where I went to settle down. I feel inspired in so many ways - I just need to get the money situation right before I can pursue those things I neglected the first time around.

Stay tuned.

♥

Life has suddenly become more livable now that I have something to work towards. This trip to Los Angeles next month is really inspiring me. I have all these concepts, ideas and plans I want to make happen. I've never felt so creative before. It's like a part of myself that I've let lay dormant for so long is now alive and well again and I couldn't be more excited.

What's really helping me is letting go of the past. I've had too much negativity in my life, for the most part I was living in it. I felt hopeless and alone in the world and I participated in behaviors that only brought on more negativity. It's alarming how easily you can fall into a vicious cycle like that.

I'm not a religious person (at all) but I do have faith in something now, and that is in myself. Learning to let go and listen to your own inner voice, finding passion again and wanting your own life to mean something makes all of the difference. I want to find happiness and love and I will go wherever I need to to find it. Life is too short to wait for the right opportunity to pop into your life, sometimes you have to make things happen yourself.

And that's exactly what I plan to do.

So yay, I can finally write the goodbye 2009 post. You were a bitch of a year but you did introduce me to Jeff Buckley, lovely friend old and new... I went back to high school and in the process remembered how I used to spend my nights when life was easy. Hung out with friends I knew then, belly danced again. 2008 was about losing myself and this year I got myself back. Now I'm ready to move on with my life with love and lessons learned. I won't digress about the bad/stupid things that happened, I want to keep those things in the past.

Happy New Year, loves!
Be safe and let's make 2010 one to remember.

xoxoxo

♥

This has been a very hard year for me. I felt so down and out - nothing was working out for me. When I was feeling the most confused a good friend of mine, Theresa, told me about a song called "Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley. I had heard his name before because I'm a big Chris Cornell fan and I knew that he wrote his song "Wave Goodbye" about Jeff. I'd never bothered to check him out before but I did this time and the song above - "Grace" - hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried hysterically every time I listened to it. The words, the melody, the music.. but mostly his voice was perfect. I cried for how the music touched me but I also cried because it saddened me to find out that he died in 1997. Such a tragedy.

It's weird because listening to his music is very much like a religious experience to me. He's a kind of prophet and I don't pray to him or anything but I gain comfort and understanding through his music. I honestly don't know what I would have done without his music this year. It's strange how he came to me just when I needed him. I've learned how important it is to keep connection between us and the people who have passed on.

His words feel like mine. He vocalized how I feel inside with his voice and music. I don't feel so alone so I become inspired. Words flow, images appear - I fall into peace. I feel like I understand more than I should about life, its purpose - the possibilities. I have faith that things happen like they are supposed to. The fight is always worth it if your intentions are pure and full of love. Love is pain and joy and LIFE. Happiness isn't wealth or possessions - it's the small moments and the memories we leave behind.

So, thank you Jeff - where ever you are and Happy Birthday.

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal. I guess it's because I'm very cautious as to what I post here because I want to only write when I'm clearheaded and inspired. I battled deep bouts of depression after messing up and losing a job I was very excited about in July. It wasn't in my field but I enjoyed the environment and the people I worked with. But as I've learned many times before, everything happens for a reason - although this time it took me a little longer to figure it out.

Returning to my hometown was bittersweet. I had just endured abuse and so much hurt from a person I thought I really loved. I felt defeated and very much a failure. I had made a home in Los Angeles only to leave it all behind and have to start all over again in the place I grew up - but it is also a town I feel I've grown OUT of. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy being back here. I've reconnected with friends who remember me before I went through some changes out in the big city. I say "big city" because my hometown is very small - Potsdam, NY. Everyone knows everyone (and their business). Anyway, I rediscovered so much of myself that I've forgotten. I even got to perform again doing a belly dance routine at the town's summer festival. That fire was back in me and it was beautiful.

Two days later I was fired from the job in this town. Immediately I felt disconnected from the community I was just beginning to get used to again. I tried applying to any job I could think of even though I knew I was overqualified for each one. None of them panned out and my self esteem took quite a beating. I did consider making a life here but just didn't work out that way. That's not to say I didn't try because I tried very hard. When something is wrong, I believe the Universe will let you know. Oh, I know for sure now and I feel comfortable enough to walk away because I did try SO hard. I had to take a step back and figure out how I was going to make myself content again.

Now I have a plan - I decided I want to move to an east coast city. As soon as that plan popped into my head, I felt better. I spent time with family again and my depression melted away. All it took was a goal and it felt so right. I saw little signs everywhere telling me I was on the right track. Very soon after, I finally got offered some employment - still not in my field but I'm excited about it because it will fund the next move in my life. But to accept this job I have to leave Potsdam. It's bittersweet because I'll miss seeing my friends as much (it's 30 miles away and I don't have a car) but I'll be with my family again where I'm the most comfortable. They are my backbone and always so supportive - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I've learned a lot about myself this year and now I have such a defined sense of self. Finally.

There's so much more to come.....

is it better to be in love
or to deny that it ever happened
heart immersed in the resolve of another
unrequited in wishful thinking
longing for the taste
of that one special embrace
the soul is bleeding
but never conceding

A beautiful girl I know in New York City took this photo. It's rare for me to like a smiling photo of me.

The tides are starting to change. I need change. Sooner rather than later.

Do you remember those books that came out where you would go through the story and then at the end of the chapter you had the option to chose which page was next? Those were fun - although I always cheated. Sometimes I wish that life was more like that... we are shown option A and B and each option brings us to a different path. What I loved the most about those books was the possibility go back and try again. Life isn't like that. Once our choices are made there isn't anything we can do to correct them.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason and life doesn't halt but instead keeps on flowing. Right now I'm faced with many options and avenues I can take my life but I'm unsure of which way I want to go. My indecisiveness always seems to get the best of me, unfortunately. I'm afraid of taking a leap into the unknown.

I don't know where this is coming from or why I feel this way now. I guess my current state of limbo allows these concepts to come to the forefront of my mind and I'm stuck pondering about them. I guess in a way the infinite possibilities do excite me. I am thankful, however, that I'm lacking a lot of material goods so I'm feel to travel as I see fit. It's the pesky money problem that always gets in the way. I love money when I have it, hate it when I don't.

The space around me is restless and I feel a shift change in the air. Finally.

push and pull
fighting myself
past and present
which is my future
thinking i know
the answers
nothing is ever sure
only questions
dark fog
of the unknown

The same thing happened when I left high school, I missed learning. Now that I'm out of college I'm wishing I was back in. I really love learning more and more as I get older. I've briefly considered going back for another major but unfortunately, school is expensive and I have enough school debt as it is. I wish I lived in a bigger city right now that would have classes that I'd be interested in taking. Maybe someday.

But for now I've decided to take this problem and solve it myself. I'm going to do more reading and making goals for myself. Maybe ask around for topics I can study, I'm not sure how to go about it. It's all an experiment and I'm pretty jazzed about it.

I do want to learn Italian and I got an idea to track down some basic school books on the subject, maybe Amazon or ebay will have something like that. I know a little Spanish from 3 years in high school and a little French from the same amount of time, so maybe that will help me.

There's just so much to know out there and I don't want to halt my intellect.

My creative juices seem to come in waves. Waves I can never really cling on to as much as I would like. I like to take little notes so the ideas I have don't fly out of my head too fast (I really hate how scatter brained I can be sometimes). I have a whole list of things I want to do but I can't find the right inspirations to follow them through.

A good friend of mine talked about the concept of a muse the other day. I've been close to having a muse before but it never lasted very long and at the time, I was always too distracted to have anything come from it. Sad. Other times my muse has been emotions - love, anger, sadness... but again, the same thing has happened. It's the pesky scatter brain and overly emotional states I tend to throw myself into.

This all frustrates me. I know I could accomplish some beautiful things for myself but I constantly get distracted. This is something I really miss about being in school. Art school was amazing for me because how they make you think and really get outside of yourself... to pick things apart. I don't look at the world in the same way. When I look at a poster I pick it apart and comment about the font choices. When I watch a film I notice the shot choices. I adore art. Art is life and the artist's view of the world is represented through their art.

I guess I just want my thoughts and vision to be represented also. I want to make my little mark beyond words on a blog. I don't want to be famous by any means (Los Angeles reminded me that that's the last thing I want) but I do want to feel connected with people the way I feel connected to certain artists.

I want to see beauty through your eyes..

It really amazes me what a year can do. Where I am in my life is no where where I thought I would be. I'm so hopeful and happy for the future surrounded by some beautiful souls.

Art is going to become more of a fixture in my life. I have some words and photos to post, very soon.

Lust is cheap

Love is priceless

My heart is worth millions.