i believe in myself.

My creative juices seem to come in waves. Waves I can never really cling on to as much as I would like. I like to take little notes so the ideas I have don't fly out of my head too fast (I really hate how scatter brained I can be sometimes). I have a whole list of things I want to do but I can't find the right inspirations to follow them through.

A good friend of mine talked about the concept of a muse the other day. I've been close to having a muse before but it never lasted very long and at the time, I was always too distracted to have anything come from it. Sad. Other times my muse has been emotions - love, anger, sadness... but again, the same thing has happened. It's the pesky scatter brain and overly emotional states I tend to throw myself into.

This all frustrates me. I know I could accomplish some beautiful things for myself but I constantly get distracted. This is something I really miss about being in school. Art school was amazing for me because how they make you think and really get outside of yourself... to pick things apart. I don't look at the world in the same way. When I look at a poster I pick it apart and comment about the font choices. When I watch a film I notice the shot choices. I adore art. Art is life and the artist's view of the world is represented through their art.

I guess I just want my thoughts and vision to be represented also. I want to make my little mark beyond words on a blog. I don't want to be famous by any means (Los Angeles reminded me that that's the last thing I want) but I do want to feel connected with people the way I feel connected to certain artists.

I want to see beauty through your eyes..

It really amazes me what a year can do. Where I am in my life is no where where I thought I would be. I'm so hopeful and happy for the future surrounded by some beautiful souls.

Art is going to become more of a fixture in my life. I have some words and photos to post, very soon.

Lust is cheap

Love is priceless

My heart is worth millions.

I've always believed that life is about balance and moderation. It's finding that balance that's always been my problem. When I'm into something I'm INTO it. In the past I've been INTO very bad things and I had to have some rude awakenings to realize that they were bad. I'm very open-minded and adventurous and I experimented a lot with things I shouldn't have in Los Angeles. I guess you could say I was very into mind altering substances.

Then I had my rude awakening and I fought my own temptations to get over the substance I most "enjoyed." I had to stay away from people who supplied it for me and keep myself from getting bored. There was a period of time where I had no days off because of work and school. I would come home and crash and there was no time in my schedule for bad things. That kept me out of trouble. I relapsed a few times and when I did, I felt so horrible about it. The last time I relapsed was in March 2008 and trust me, it wasn't easy or fun.

I haven't been giving myself credit for kicking the stuff on my own. I started NA meetings recently and for some reason, I felt like I needed to be there. I forgot about the time I already had under my belt. Sure, I used other things but not for very long and I never had that same sense of craving. It's like I finally grew up.

So now I'm learning that I can balance myself. I don't need to use bad things, but not all "drugs" are bad things. It's fine to have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer from time to time. I just know I don't want to get trashed again (see you later, Jack Daniels) because that's when I really had a problem. I CAN control myself. I am thankful though that I got that period of experimentation out of my system at a young age. I know better now and I know now not to make the same mistakes.

I want my life to be full and happy, don't we all? I don't think everything is so black and white.... the cozy grey area is the one I prefer.

skin soft with eyes bright

a grace that fights against the darkest night

hair long in tangled strands

any secret you keep she surely understands

you crave to keep, to have, to hold

this fragile girl is a beautiful story yet to be told

my words are floating

in a space of wilted flowers

a home cannot be found

when there is contempt of the heart

i want to be filled with light

to find warm in a soul

beautiful and open

but ever so bold