i believe in myself.

Life has suddenly become more livable now that I have something to work towards. This trip to Los Angeles next month is really inspiring me. I have all these concepts, ideas and plans I want to make happen. I've never felt so creative before. It's like a part of myself that I've let lay dormant for so long is now alive and well again and I couldn't be more excited.

What's really helping me is letting go of the past. I've had too much negativity in my life, for the most part I was living in it. I felt hopeless and alone in the world and I participated in behaviors that only brought on more negativity. It's alarming how easily you can fall into a vicious cycle like that.

I'm not a religious person (at all) but I do have faith in something now, and that is in myself. Learning to let go and listen to your own inner voice, finding passion again and wanting your own life to mean something makes all of the difference. I want to find happiness and love and I will go wherever I need to to find it. Life is too short to wait for the right opportunity to pop into your life, sometimes you have to make things happen yourself.

And that's exactly what I plan to do.

So yay, I can finally write the goodbye 2009 post. You were a bitch of a year but you did introduce me to Jeff Buckley, lovely friend old and new... I went back to high school and in the process remembered how I used to spend my nights when life was easy. Hung out with friends I knew then, belly danced again. 2008 was about losing myself and this year I got myself back. Now I'm ready to move on with my life with love and lessons learned. I won't digress about the bad/stupid things that happened, I want to keep those things in the past.

Happy New Year, loves!
Be safe and let's make 2010 one to remember.

xoxoxo

♥

This has been a very hard year for me. I felt so down and out - nothing was working out for me. When I was feeling the most confused a good friend of mine, Theresa, told me about a song called "Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley. I had heard his name before because I'm a big Chris Cornell fan and I knew that he wrote his song "Wave Goodbye" about Jeff. I'd never bothered to check him out before but I did this time and the song above - "Grace" - hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried hysterically every time I listened to it. The words, the melody, the music.. but mostly his voice was perfect. I cried for how the music touched me but I also cried because it saddened me to find out that he died in 1997. Such a tragedy.

It's weird because listening to his music is very much like a religious experience to me. He's a kind of prophet and I don't pray to him or anything but I gain comfort and understanding through his music. I honestly don't know what I would have done without his music this year. It's strange how he came to me just when I needed him. I've learned how important it is to keep connection between us and the people who have passed on.

His words feel like mine. He vocalized how I feel inside with his voice and music. I don't feel so alone so I become inspired. Words flow, images appear - I fall into peace. I feel like I understand more than I should about life, its purpose - the possibilities. I have faith that things happen like they are supposed to. The fight is always worth it if your intentions are pure and full of love. Love is pain and joy and LIFE. Happiness isn't wealth or possessions - it's the small moments and the memories we leave behind.

So, thank you Jeff - where ever you are and Happy Birthday.

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal. I guess it's because I'm very cautious as to what I post here because I want to only write when I'm clearheaded and inspired. I battled deep bouts of depression after messing up and losing a job I was very excited about in July. It wasn't in my field but I enjoyed the environment and the people I worked with. But as I've learned many times before, everything happens for a reason - although this time it took me a little longer to figure it out.

Returning to my hometown was bittersweet. I had just endured abuse and so much hurt from a person I thought I really loved. I felt defeated and very much a failure. I had made a home in Los Angeles only to leave it all behind and have to start all over again in the place I grew up - but it is also a town I feel I've grown OUT of. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy being back here. I've reconnected with friends who remember me before I went through some changes out in the big city. I say "big city" because my hometown is very small - Potsdam, NY. Everyone knows everyone (and their business). Anyway, I rediscovered so much of myself that I've forgotten. I even got to perform again doing a belly dance routine at the town's summer festival. That fire was back in me and it was beautiful.

Two days later I was fired from the job in this town. Immediately I felt disconnected from the community I was just beginning to get used to again. I tried applying to any job I could think of even though I knew I was overqualified for each one. None of them panned out and my self esteem took quite a beating. I did consider making a life here but just didn't work out that way. That's not to say I didn't try because I tried very hard. When something is wrong, I believe the Universe will let you know. Oh, I know for sure now and I feel comfortable enough to walk away because I did try SO hard. I had to take a step back and figure out how I was going to make myself content again.

Now I have a plan - I decided I want to move to an east coast city. As soon as that plan popped into my head, I felt better. I spent time with family again and my depression melted away. All it took was a goal and it felt so right. I saw little signs everywhere telling me I was on the right track. Very soon after, I finally got offered some employment - still not in my field but I'm excited about it because it will fund the next move in my life. But to accept this job I have to leave Potsdam. It's bittersweet because I'll miss seeing my friends as much (it's 30 miles away and I don't have a car) but I'll be with my family again where I'm the most comfortable. They are my backbone and always so supportive - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I've learned a lot about myself this year and now I have such a defined sense of self. Finally.

There's so much more to come.....

is it better to be in love
or to deny that it ever happened
heart immersed in the resolve of another
unrequited in wishful thinking
longing for the taste
of that one special embrace
the soul is bleeding
but never conceding

A beautiful girl I know in New York City took this photo. It's rare for me to like a smiling photo of me.

The tides are starting to change. I need change. Sooner rather than later.

Do you remember those books that came out where you would go through the story and then at the end of the chapter you had the option to chose which page was next? Those were fun - although I always cheated. Sometimes I wish that life was more like that... we are shown option A and B and each option brings us to a different path. What I loved the most about those books was the possibility go back and try again. Life isn't like that. Once our choices are made there isn't anything we can do to correct them.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason and life doesn't halt but instead keeps on flowing. Right now I'm faced with many options and avenues I can take my life but I'm unsure of which way I want to go. My indecisiveness always seems to get the best of me, unfortunately. I'm afraid of taking a leap into the unknown.

I don't know where this is coming from or why I feel this way now. I guess my current state of limbo allows these concepts to come to the forefront of my mind and I'm stuck pondering about them. I guess in a way the infinite possibilities do excite me. I am thankful, however, that I'm lacking a lot of material goods so I'm feel to travel as I see fit. It's the pesky money problem that always gets in the way. I love money when I have it, hate it when I don't.

The space around me is restless and I feel a shift change in the air. Finally.