It's only been lately that I've tried to adopt a more selfish life style. For so Iong I've been a people pleaser at the expensive of myself. I've edited my online presence as to make other people more comfortable. I've been an "online person" since I was 16. I used to blog on my own site where I would update the HTML each time. It doesn't feel right to hold back but recently I've made my Twitter public and since then I've been more conscience of my online persona. It's really exhausting to think about, really.
I struggle at times when there is so much I want to say but I'm aware of who is going to see it. I know people are watching but that's a concept I've been aware of, it's not new. I want to be me in all aspects of my life and I never want to apologize for the things I say and do. I feel like I'm a good person deep down but I hate the fact I will be judged. I'm sensitive dammit and I care whether people like me or not.
Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should start "doing me" like so many others do.
It's about time for a blog I think. It's been a stressful few months and most of my energy was devoted to picking myself up yet again, dusting off my shoulders and diving into the fun task of finding work.
I struggle at times with getting discouraged when a situation I'm disappointed in something (or someone). I hang on too long to pain. I'm moody and sensitive, a Cancer through and through. I don't take rejection well either but I feel like the tide is going to change and my patience will be worth it.
2010 was an interesting year. I started it off with one of my best friends from high school and my little brother in my hometown. As much as I missed California at that time, I'm so glad I was able to reconnect with people again. These people didn't know the crazy me and I was reminded of little parts of myself I forgot.
I was also doing the substitute teacher thing which I believe really helped me get out of my shell for good. Being able to get a room full of rude, obnoxious 17+ year olds to sit down and be quiet for more than 5 minutes would break some people. I yelled and threatened and told them off. Anyone who knows me at all knows I never raise my voice. :P
Then I made the goal to move back to Los Angeles so that's exactly what I did. I remember now that I can do anything I put my mind to. I forget that when things get rough. I'm still looking for the perfect job that will support the life I have planned for myself. I have a vision now and a plan to execute it. I'm doing things out of my comfort zone this year.
This blog is going to get a lot more attention. I have big plans for my little brand. ;)
Since my cross country adventure with my brother in June, I have had an extremely messy car until today. My aunt and uncle would be so proud. ;) I'm never in my car very long and I never go in the backseat so I tend to forget what's back there until someone hops in and I get embarrassed. Since living with my aunt again I've become a very clean person. I'm thankful for that. :)
Anyway, I was in the backseat throwing receipts into a Trader Joe's reusable bag and I came across some receipts from the trip. My brother had a thing where he would print out the receipt each time and record how many miles per gallon we did. I only found 3 and he literally made little notes. It's really cute. I wish I had them all, I'm definitely going to save them.
I get very nostalgic about things. Movie tickets, concert tickets and flyers, directions to someone's house. Those are little things that are so personal but so simple. My most prized possession is a handwritten journal my mom wrote when she and 2 friends drove from the upper peninsula of Michigan to Texas where she met my dad for the first time then biked back up to Michigan. She took notes of which freeways she took, the places they stopped, what she ate and when she exercised. I found it again when I was back home and read it for the first time in probably 10 years. She's been gone 17 years this month so October is a hard month for me. Reading the journal was like listening to her speak, she used to say the cutest things and you forget little things like that after so long. I was so young too and when you're that age you're not thinking that your mother won't live forever. It's sad that I remember the last year of her life the most.
The journal spiked my interest in road trips again and I was really excited when the idea to come back to California popped in my head - it just felt right. I asked my brother pretty much right away if he would make the trip with me. I was surprised and happy when he agreed to do it. He had never been to the west coast before so I thought it would be an amazing experience for him. He got to experience the desert, the mountains in Colorado, Las Vegas then California. I think he liked the ocean at Venice the best. It was fun to be able to experience that with him. I also felt like it was something our mom would have loved to do with us. <3
I don't know what it it but I feel really inspired lately. The more I go out in Los Angeles the more I realize where I want to be in my life. This city has always made me push myself to be better even when I was the most down. I'm at a different place in my life and I've been through a lot since I was here last. I have goals now and those are helping me to get out of the rut I was in after adjusting to the move.
I'm starting to create and make plans for other things. It makes me feel whole again. They say you should follow your bliss and I much rather do that than worry. Everything works out okay, sometimes it just takes a while. I'm definitely grown to be a much more patient person this year.
My head is still spinning from all the changes I've experienced in the last few months. I didn't realize how much uprooting my life (once again) would take a toll on me. I've moved around all my life, you'd think I'd be used to it. It's not easy though, it breaks your heart a little bit each time. All of the goodbyes and the tears that follow.
Just 4 months ago I was a substitute teacher at a school I attended for only a few months my junior year. That was the only school where I never made any friends. I've moved a lot in my life and never before did I experience such a wall. I was probably a weirdo there but I was thankful for that. I've always loved being a little to the left or the right... off center but special. Haha, that reminds me of a friend I had in 4th grade. One day we were sitting at her counter and she was filling out a form of some kind and there was a box that asked if she was special and of course she said, "yes, I'm a special child!" I've always thought that was cute - it's crazy how our society changes our spin on things.
Anyway... substituting was such an odd experience. I filled in for every subject in every grade from kindergarten to 12th grade. You'd see the difference between the ages of 10 and 13 and how much a child changes (or warps) during those development years. Some children had parents in jail or on drugs and those were the kids with the most issues. Then you'd hear little jerks in the 9th grade say that they wished their parents dealt crack so they could have more money. I'd hear them call either gay and write "f----ot" on wide ruled paper as an insult. I always sent them to the principals office for that, no exception. I would fight with 13 year olds who didn't understand what "no talking" meant.
There's another theme I need to explore in this blog, substitute teaching. I was very silent during that time because people are crafty and I'm sure some know where my blog is. I can talk all I want now and Cassandraism.com is coming very soon. I finally nailed down a site design tonight - hopefully this week I'll have all the code down. Goals are nice to have.
after darkness there is light
for every ending there is a beginning
it all comes back around again
pain is temporary but necessary
learning to appreciate the beautiful moments
disappointment feels like heartache
a constant emotional rollercoaster
up and down a smile into a frown
triggers turn it back around
self pity is useless
twisting and turning correct perception
patience seems distant
nothing comes easy, always a tease
worry is endless and absorbing
i fight and scratch my way to peace
the small moments are worth it
laugher love light and beauty
i don't ask for much
fighting feels wrong and damaging
i feel my faith slipping
the rule i lived by was golden
questioning it ruins my inner eye
they tell me i'm strong
but no one can hear my brain
scared to tell them the truth
history is hard to fake
adult at ten years old
youth is an illusion
It was a song by Jeff Buckley (previously mentioned) called "Lover You Should Have Come Over" that made me realize I was still in love with my first love. It's amazing to me how much music can hit that chord in you that makes you feel alive and not so alone.
I always wanted to be a musician when I was younger. Music was something higher to me and I wanted to be part of it. I tried my hand at saxophone, piano and guitar - in that order. I failed because I didn't have the patience to practice nor did I want to cut my nails to resist the tapping on the keys.
I'm not sure how it happened but I turned to dance. Well, that's a lie, I do know. When I was 9 or 10 I was in my aunt and uncle's family room watching MTV and a video called "7" by Prince came on. In it was an amazing belly dancer named Mayte. I had never liked Prince before this video, I had no interest. But the dancer intrigued me, she was so graceful and lovely. I think it was at about that time I used to copy dance moves from music videos in my room into the mirror. I did this daily for 5 years more.
As I got older I became more confident in my skills as a dancer. At school dances I had a blast trying out the moves I practiced so much home alone and when I got positive response, I knew I had talent and I loved it. I respected dancers so much, their grace and the way they expressed themselves through movement. I had found my creative release.
I just realized how long this journal entry is about to become.. next week I'll do part two. :)