self.

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal. I guess it's because I'm very cautious as to what I post here because I want to only write when I'm clearheaded and inspired. I battled deep bouts of depression after messing up and losing a job I was very excited about in July. It wasn't in my field but I enjoyed the environment and the people I worked with. But as I've learned many times before, everything happens for a reason - although this time it took me a little longer to figure it out.

Returning to my hometown was bittersweet. I had just endured abuse and so much hurt from a person I thought I really loved. I felt defeated and very much a failure. I had made a home in Los Angeles only to leave it all behind and have to start all over again in the place I grew up - but it is also a town I feel I've grown OUT of. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy being back here. I've reconnected with friends who remember me before I went through some changes out in the big city. I say "big city" because my hometown is very small - Potsdam, NY. Everyone knows everyone (and their business). Anyway, I rediscovered so much of myself that I've forgotten. I even got to perform again doing a belly dance routine at the town's summer festival. That fire was back in me and it was beautiful.

Two days later I was fired from the job in this town. Immediately I felt disconnected from the community I was just beginning to get used to again. I tried applying to any job I could think of even though I knew I was overqualified for each one. None of them panned out and my self esteem took quite a beating. I did consider making a life here but just didn't work out that way. That's not to say I didn't try because I tried very hard. When something is wrong, I believe the Universe will let you know. Oh, I know for sure now and I feel comfortable enough to walk away because I did try SO hard. I had to take a step back and figure out how I was going to make myself content again.

Now I have a plan - I decided I want to move to an east coast city. As soon as that plan popped into my head, I felt better. I spent time with family again and my depression melted away. All it took was a goal and it felt so right. I saw little signs everywhere telling me I was on the right track. Very soon after, I finally got offered some employment - still not in my field but I'm excited about it because it will fund the next move in my life. But to accept this job I have to leave Potsdam. It's bittersweet because I'll miss seeing my friends as much (it's 30 miles away and I don't have a car) but I'll be with my family again where I'm the most comfortable. They are my backbone and always so supportive - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I've learned a lot about myself this year and now I have such a defined sense of self. Finally.

There's so much more to come.....

unrequited.

is it better to be in love
or to deny that it ever happened
heart immersed in the resolve of another
unrequited in wishful thinking
longing for the taste
of that one special embrace
the soul is bleeding
but never conceding

i've seen the future & it will be.

A beautiful girl I know in New York City took this photo. It's rare for me to like a smiling photo of me.

The tides are starting to change. I need change. Sooner rather than later.

i'm never cryptic on purpose.

Do you remember those books that came out where you would go through the story and then at the end of the chapter you had the option to chose which page was next? Those were fun - although I always cheated. Sometimes I wish that life was more like that... we are shown option A and B and each option brings us to a different path. What I loved the most about those books was the possibility go back and try again. Life isn't like that. Once our choices are made there isn't anything we can do to correct them.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason and life doesn't halt but instead keeps on flowing. Right now I'm faced with many options and avenues I can take my life but I'm unsure of which way I want to go. My indecisiveness always seems to get the best of me, unfortunately. I'm afraid of taking a leap into the unknown.

I don't know where this is coming from or why I feel this way now. I guess my current state of limbo allows these concepts to come to the forefront of my mind and I'm stuck pondering about them. I guess in a way the infinite possibilities do excite me. I am thankful, however, that I'm lacking a lot of material goods so I'm feel to travel as I see fit. It's the pesky money problem that always gets in the way. I love money when I have it, hate it when I don't.

The space around me is restless and I feel a shift change in the air. Finally.

unknown.

push and pull
fighting myself
past and present
which is my future
thinking i know
the answers
nothing is ever sure
only questions
dark fog
of the unknown

scuola.

The same thing happened when I left high school, I missed learning. Now that I'm out of college I'm wishing I was back in. I really love learning more and more as I get older. I've briefly considered going back for another major but unfortunately, school is expensive and I have enough school debt as it is. I wish I lived in a bigger city right now that would have classes that I'd be interested in taking. Maybe someday.

But for now I've decided to take this problem and solve it myself. I'm going to do more reading and making goals for myself. Maybe ask around for topics I can study, I'm not sure how to go about it. It's all an experiment and I'm pretty jazzed about it.

I do want to learn Italian and I got an idea to track down some basic school books on the subject, maybe Amazon or ebay will have something like that. I know a little Spanish from 3 years in high school and a little French from the same amount of time, so maybe that will help me.

There's just so much to know out there and I don't want to halt my intellect.

muse.

My creative juices seem to come in waves. Waves I can never really cling on to as much as I would like. I like to take little notes so the ideas I have don't fly out of my head too fast (I really hate how scatter brained I can be sometimes). I have a whole list of things I want to do but I can't find the right inspirations to follow them through.

A good friend of mine talked about the concept of a muse the other day. I've been close to having a muse before but it never lasted very long and at the time, I was always too distracted to have anything come from it. Sad. Other times my muse has been emotions - love, anger, sadness... but again, the same thing has happened. It's the pesky scatter brain and overly emotional states I tend to throw myself into.

This all frustrates me. I know I could accomplish some beautiful things for myself but I constantly get distracted. This is something I really miss about being in school. Art school was amazing for me because how they make you think and really get outside of yourself... to pick things apart. I don't look at the world in the same way. When I look at a poster I pick it apart and comment about the font choices. When I watch a film I notice the shot choices. I adore art. Art is life and the artist's view of the world is represented through their art.

I guess I just want my thoughts and vision to be represented also. I want to make my little mark beyond words on a blog. I don't want to be famous by any means (Los Angeles reminded me that that's the last thing I want) but I do want to feel connected with people the way I feel connected to certain artists.

I want to see beauty through your eyes..