i believe in myself.

after darkness there is light
for every ending there is a beginning
it all comes back around again
pain is temporary but necessary
learning to appreciate the beautiful moments
disappointment feels like heartache
a constant emotional rollercoaster
up and down a smile into a frown
triggers turn it back around
self pity is useless
twisting and turning correct perception
patience seems distant
nothing comes easy, always a tease
worry is endless and absorbing
i fight and scratch my way to peace
the small moments are worth it
laugher love light and beauty
i don't ask for much
fighting feels wrong and damaging
i feel my faith slipping
the rule i lived by was golden
questioning it ruins my inner eye
they tell me i'm strong
but no one can hear my brain
scared to tell them the truth
history is hard to fake
adult at ten years old
youth is an illusion

It was a song by Jeff Buckley (previously mentioned) called "Lover You Should Have Come Over" that made me realize I was still in love with my first love. It's amazing to me how much music can hit that chord in you that makes you feel alive and not so alone.

I always wanted to be a musician when I was younger. Music was something higher to me and I wanted to be part of it. I tried my hand at saxophone, piano and guitar - in that order. I failed because I didn't have the patience to practice nor did I want to cut my nails to resist the tapping on the keys.

I'm not sure how it happened but I turned to dance. Well, that's a lie, I do know. When I was 9 or 10 I was in my aunt and uncle's family room watching MTV and a video called "7" by Prince came on. In it was an amazing belly dancer named Mayte. I had never liked Prince before this video, I had no interest. But the dancer intrigued me, she was so graceful and lovely. I think it was at about that time I used to copy dance moves from music videos in my room into the mirror. I did this daily for 5 years more.

As I got older I became more confident in my skills as a dancer. At school dances I had a blast trying out the moves I practiced so much home alone and when I got positive response, I knew I had talent and I loved it. I respected dancers so much, their grace and the way they expressed themselves through movement. I had found my creative release.

I just realized how long this journal entry is about to become.. next week I'll do part two. :)