i believe in myself.

Do you remember those books that came out where you would go through the story and then at the end of the chapter you had the option to chose which page was next? Those were fun - although I always cheated. Sometimes I wish that life was more like that... we are shown option A and B and each option brings us to a different path. What I loved the most about those books was the possibility go back and try again. Life isn't like that. Once our choices are made there isn't anything we can do to correct them.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm of the firm belief that everything happens for a reason and life doesn't halt but instead keeps on flowing. Right now I'm faced with many options and avenues I can take my life but I'm unsure of which way I want to go. My indecisiveness always seems to get the best of me, unfortunately. I'm afraid of taking a leap into the unknown.

I don't know where this is coming from or why I feel this way now. I guess my current state of limbo allows these concepts to come to the forefront of my mind and I'm stuck pondering about them. I guess in a way the infinite possibilities do excite me. I am thankful, however, that I'm lacking a lot of material goods so I'm feel to travel as I see fit. It's the pesky money problem that always gets in the way. I love money when I have it, hate it when I don't.

The space around me is restless and I feel a shift change in the air. Finally.

push and pull
fighting myself
past and present
which is my future
thinking i know
the answers
nothing is ever sure
only questions
dark fog
of the unknown

The same thing happened when I left high school, I missed learning. Now that I'm out of college I'm wishing I was back in. I really love learning more and more as I get older. I've briefly considered going back for another major but unfortunately, school is expensive and I have enough school debt as it is. I wish I lived in a bigger city right now that would have classes that I'd be interested in taking. Maybe someday.

But for now I've decided to take this problem and solve it myself. I'm going to do more reading and making goals for myself. Maybe ask around for topics I can study, I'm not sure how to go about it. It's all an experiment and I'm pretty jazzed about it.

I do want to learn Italian and I got an idea to track down some basic school books on the subject, maybe Amazon or ebay will have something like that. I know a little Spanish from 3 years in high school and a little French from the same amount of time, so maybe that will help me.

There's just so much to know out there and I don't want to halt my intellect.