i believe in myself.

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal. I guess it's because I'm very cautious as to what I post here because I want to only write when I'm clearheaded and inspired. I battled deep bouts of depression after messing up and losing a job I was very excited about in July. It wasn't in my field but I enjoyed the environment and the people I worked with. But as I've learned many times before, everything happens for a reason - although this time it took me a little longer to figure it out.

Returning to my hometown was bittersweet. I had just endured abuse and so much hurt from a person I thought I really loved. I felt defeated and very much a failure. I had made a home in Los Angeles only to leave it all behind and have to start all over again in the place I grew up - but it is also a town I feel I've grown OUT of. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy being back here. I've reconnected with friends who remember me before I went through some changes out in the big city. I say "big city" because my hometown is very small - Potsdam, NY. Everyone knows everyone (and their business). Anyway, I rediscovered so much of myself that I've forgotten. I even got to perform again doing a belly dance routine at the town's summer festival. That fire was back in me and it was beautiful.

Two days later I was fired from the job in this town. Immediately I felt disconnected from the community I was just beginning to get used to again. I tried applying to any job I could think of even though I knew I was overqualified for each one. None of them panned out and my self esteem took quite a beating. I did consider making a life here but just didn't work out that way. That's not to say I didn't try because I tried very hard. When something is wrong, I believe the Universe will let you know. Oh, I know for sure now and I feel comfortable enough to walk away because I did try SO hard. I had to take a step back and figure out how I was going to make myself content again.

Now I have a plan - I decided I want to move to an east coast city. As soon as that plan popped into my head, I felt better. I spent time with family again and my depression melted away. All it took was a goal and it felt so right. I saw little signs everywhere telling me I was on the right track. Very soon after, I finally got offered some employment - still not in my field but I'm excited about it because it will fund the next move in my life. But to accept this job I have to leave Potsdam. It's bittersweet because I'll miss seeing my friends as much (it's 30 miles away and I don't have a car) but I'll be with my family again where I'm the most comfortable. They are my backbone and always so supportive - I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I've learned a lot about myself this year and now I have such a defined sense of self. Finally.

There's so much more to come.....