i believe in myself.

They say that time heals all wounds and unfortunately (no matter how much I wish that was true) it's not that way all of the time. There are certain cases where time makes the pain feel deeper. This is the case with losing a parent. My mom died fifteen years ago today and I can't think of a day that's gone by that I haven't thought of her.

I was very young when she passed - 10 years. It was a lot to take and I didn't understand at the time how much her death would effect the rest of my life. Not having her to go to for advice, her taking me shopping, showing me how to put on makeup or helping me get ready for my first date - I missed out on it all. And that's just the beginning - she won't be there to watch me get married (if I decide that's what I want to do, ever), have a child (again, if I decide to) or just see me grow up. It's a lot to take. So much so I don't even know where to start.

As time goes by I forget more and more things about her. The sound of her voice, what her skin felt like, how she walked... I don't remember any of those things. Those things that everyone takes for granted on a daily basis. She was so sweet and so beautiful. We had our fights but that's how it is with a mother and daughter. But the love was always there. We had fun together chasing my brother around the house.

She took wonderful care of my brother and I. We were her life and you could tell. She babied my brother Shane a lot just because that was her little boy. They were inseparable. My heart breaks daily because I know he misses her too. Deep down. I wish he would talk about it with me. I worry about him so much because I feel his loss too. He and I went through it all together and he's the only constant in my life. I'd do anything for him.

I've cried a lot today because I realized that no matter what I do, the pain will never go away. My tears are rare, I've cried so much. But I talk to her sometimes and I know she hears me. I feel her presence all the time. But I'm selfish and I want her back. I'd give up everything I have just to see her again, for a day or an hour.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do to mend it. No one can replace her and there will always be that empty part of my heart for her. She's with me where ever I go, I just hope she's happy where she is and that she's proud of me.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you more than words can express.

I have no respect for someone who constantly chooses to stretch the truth... whether it be for their own protection or to manipulate others to get their way. Lies bring more lies, hurt feelings and bewilderment. It's selfish and cowardly. I realize that the truth isn't always the easiest thing to admit but sometimes the price of the lie is just too high.

Lately I've been feeling very nostalgic and secretly wishing I could go back in time for a while and experience those carefree and naive feelings again. Life was so simple then and I was so hopeful, invincible in a way. I'm not saying I'm not hopeful now but there have been so many obstacles put in front of me and I'm left with a multitude of questions. Questions that I feel I deserve the answers to. It's only fair, but I guess not everyone cares about fairness these days.

Honestly, I don't know to deal with selfish people, liars, cheaters, and people who are just plain evil. It doesn't commute in my mind and I'm left extremely confused. Why bother spending so much energy on negative things? What good can come of it? Eventually the people involved will catch on and karma will take effect.

I could never purposely hurt someone - I simply don't know how. I give all my trust and love to the people in my life and to hurt them would pain me more than hurting myself. But trust me, if someone wrongs me in some way - it's nearly impossible to win me over again. I can forgive (to a degree) but I can never forget. Life is too short to have people in my life who don't deserve me. I'm better than that and I much rather spend my time with people who are worthy.