i believe in myself.

I've always believed that life is about balance and moderation. It's finding that balance that's always been my problem. When I'm into something I'm INTO it. In the past I've been INTO very bad things and I had to have some rude awakenings to realize that they were bad. I'm very open-minded and adventurous and I experimented a lot with things I shouldn't have in Los Angeles. I guess you could say I was very into mind altering substances.

Then I had my rude awakening and I fought my own temptations to get over the substance I most "enjoyed." I had to stay away from people who supplied it for me and keep myself from getting bored. There was a period of time where I had no days off because of work and school. I would come home and crash and there was no time in my schedule for bad things. That kept me out of trouble. I relapsed a few times and when I did, I felt so horrible about it. The last time I relapsed was in March 2008 and trust me, it wasn't easy or fun.

I haven't been giving myself credit for kicking the stuff on my own. I started NA meetings recently and for some reason, I felt like I needed to be there. I forgot about the time I already had under my belt. Sure, I used other things but not for very long and I never had that same sense of craving. It's like I finally grew up.

So now I'm learning that I can balance myself. I don't need to use bad things, but not all "drugs" are bad things. It's fine to have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer from time to time. I just know I don't want to get trashed again (see you later, Jack Daniels) because that's when I really had a problem. I CAN control myself. I am thankful though that I got that period of experimentation out of my system at a young age. I know better now and I know now not to make the same mistakes.

I want my life to be full and happy, don't we all? I don't think everything is so black and white.... the cozy grey area is the one I prefer.