i believe in myself.

I adore this. <3

When I was grade school, I always tried to be around other artists. My friends where in theater, music, fine art classes... the whole nine. I took every art class that I could and I loved every minute of it. I loved learning how people interpret life through their art - whether it be drama, music, a painting, choreography.. whatever. But we didn't have dance classes.

What I discovered early on is that I could do a little of each thing but not really excel at it. Maybe I didn't put enough energy into it, I don't know. But I would watch my best friend Tyler in all her activities. Tyler never ceased to amaze me. She played violin, drew/painted, and was the lead in a few of our school plays. I loved her energy and her passion for what she did. She painted me once and I remember the painting so vividly. She had to paint it while listening to my favorite music. At the time I was a huge Prince fan and I gave her a song to listen to (she hates it to this day, it wasn't one of his best..haha) and when I saw it I was taken aback. It looked so much like me and it really touched me that she knew me so well that she could recreate my likeness with just paint and a canvas.

Anyway.... all my friends were artists in some way. I relate to them more than anyone and that's never changed. I think part of it was that I couldn't quite figure out what my voice was. Maybe I just didn't have one at the time. I have a few pieces that I did hanging at my aunt's house in New York. I'm proud of those pieces but they are not my only form of expression - they are tangible.

My true artistic expression is dance. Dance is something that always came so natural to me. I grew up in the MTV generation and I would mimick music videos all the time. My 2 favorite dance artists growing up were Madonna and Paula Abdul - the choreography in their videos were so seductive and brillant. I would constantly dance in the mirror and make up routines.

After years and years of doing this I finally decided I wanted to take formal classes. I lived in a small town so I took what I could - jazz, tap, lyrical, modern, ballet (en pointe) and belly dance. I began performing at talent shows and I always placed. At school dances my friends and I would start the dance and pretty much every time I had a group of people watching me. It still happens if I get into that mode at a club.

When I first moved to LA in 2004 I went to this club in Santa Monica that had a very arabic vibe. I started to move and eventually it took me over. The next thing I knew I looked up and there was a circle of about 20 people around me. I got shy and creeped out but as I was walking out people were shaking my hand.

It still surprises me because dancing is something that I don't have any control over. It just happens. When I listen to music, I'm choreographing my head at all times. Give me a song and I'll get up and make a routine off the top of my head. I don't have a lot of formal training but to me, that makes it all the more special.

I don't dance much anymore. I'm not into the club scene so I find little moments to dance when I can. Whenever I walk to and from the kitchen, when I'm cooking, walking to the store... it makes me feel alive. It's my expression.

This also explains why I'm doing this blog. I understand things more than I used to now and I feel like I do have things to say. My voice is as important and anyone else's. I've had a bad habit of not feeling up to par with others - I compare too much and it's not necessarily. No one is the same. No one is better than another. We are all different and we all have something to say.

I feel like finally, after all this time, I know who Cassandra is. "Cassandraism" is something I thought of to label my theories on life. That's what this blog is all about.