i believe in myself.

I've decided to go with a more sober lifestyle. No more booze (of any form), no more drugs (including weed and pills) and no more bad relationships with people who don't deserve my time. I've realized in this past year that I've been covering up my real issues with substances that numbed me. I went out and got wasted more times than I want to count. And I would laugh about it the next day. It was like I turned myself into my own joke. And after everything that went down this year, I can't do that to myself again. I know I'm worth more than this.

The clarity I've experienced this past week is mind blowing. It's scary, yes... but I see what the benefits are going to be already. I already have many plans to do things that will ENRICH my life instead of distracting myself from it.

I've started to go to Narcotics Anonymous and I've realized that I have a problem with alcohol and drugs. I kept hearing about people hitting their bottom and thinking that I haven't yet. That's another joke. My bottom was these last few months with the "man" I was seeing. I was broke, brainwashed, controlled, isolated and clearly dependent on pot and beer. Without it I was able to see who he really was that that was too much for me to handle. I had altered my whole life for him and all he did was suck me dry and make me feel like I was worthless.

I felt like I screwed up my life beyond repair. I was so ashamed and lonely. I didn't want anyone to see how weak I had become. I really hate admitting defeat. All my life I had to be strong and it's so fucking exhausting. I wanted a break and I found it in drugs - or so I thought. It's hard now to change my patterns and to find things to replace all the time spent. But I'm willing....