i believe in myself.

I bought Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and 158 pages in, I'm completely in love with it. It details her journeys to Italy, India and Indonesia where she examines different aspects of her life after a painful divorce and a broken heart. I can very much relate to this right now and her words are comforting to me. They also make me ache to travel abroad. As much as I love some American cities, I would love to see another country far far away. Experience life in different ways.

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable being very comfortable. I feel like there's so much out there in the world that I'm missing out on. I want to eat different foods, see art, hear new music. I want to live life to the fullest extent and not be tied down by possessions and such. That's not to say that I don't want to have a nice home or a family, maybe I do. But I would really like to focus on me for a while and experience what life has to offer. I'm not ready to settle down. I do want to work (doing something creative) and maybe I can try to find a job that will allow me to travel. That would be the ultimate.

2008 was a year where I spent a lot of my time trying to make someone else comfortable and happy. In doing that I forgot how to make Cassandra happy. I forgot about the little things I enjoyed in those quiet moments by myself. Somehow, I forgot how to be content in solitude.

And in reading this book, it's inspired me to seek the more spiritual side of myself. I want to explore different religions and philosophies and take things from each that I feel will fit me and my ideas and morals. I never believed in organized religion. To me, that's like eating one type of cuisine all your life - you simply miss out. But I don't look down on anyone who is happy in their chosen religion if that's what makes that happy. I just can't live my life like that.

I guess I just want to know the spiritual side of myself because it's a side I've never known. I'm very interested in mediation and tapping into my subconscious mind. I've meditated before and saw it's potential to do amazing things. I need that in my life right now. I don't want to feel like I need another person to complete me, but to compliment. I want to look in the mirror again and love the person looking back at me. And to stop finding acceptance in other people, my opinion is the only one that should matter.