9.25.2008

true freedom.

Please watch this with an open mind:

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/main.htm

abre los ojos, todo cambiará..........

9.24.2008

art is life.


I adore this. <3


When I was grade school, I always tried to be around other artists. My friends where in theater, music, fine art classes... the whole nine. I took every art class that I could and I loved every minute of it. I loved learning how people interpret life through their art - whether it be drama, music, a painting, choreography.. whatever. But we didn't have dance classes.

What I discovered early on is that I could do a little of each thing but not really excel at it. Maybe I didn't put enough energy into it, I don't know. But I would watch my best friend Tyler in all her activities. Tyler never ceased to amaze me. She played violin, drew/painted, and was the lead in a few of our school plays. I loved her energy and her passion for what she did. She painted me once and I remember the painting so vividly. She had to paint it while listening to my favorite music. At the time I was a huge Prince fan and I gave her a song to listen to (she hates it to this day, it wasn't one of his best..haha) and when I saw it I was taken aback. It looked so much like me and it really touched me that she knew me so well that she could recreate my likeness with just paint and a canvas.

Anyway.... all my friends were artists in some way. I relate to them more than anyone and that's never changed. I think part of it was that I couldn't quite figure out what my voice was. Maybe I just didn't have one at the time. I have a few pieces that I did hanging at my aunt's house in New York. I'm proud of those pieces but they are not my only form of expression - they are tangible.

My true artistic expression is dance. Dance is something that always came so natural to me. I grew up in the MTV generation and I would mimick music videos all the time. My 2 favorite dance artists growing up were Madonna and Paula Abdul - the choreography in their videos were so seductive and brillant. I would constantly dance in the mirror and make up routines.

After years and years of doing this I finally decided I wanted to take formal classes. I lived in a small town so I took what I could - jazz, tap, lyrical, modern, ballet (en pointe) and belly dance. I began performing at talent shows and I always placed. At school dances my friends and I would start the dance and pretty much every time I had a group of people watching me. It still happens if I get into that mode at a club.

When I first moved to LA in 2004 I went to this club in Santa Monica that had a very arabic vibe. I started to move and eventually it took me over. The next thing I knew I looked up and there was a circle of about 20 people around me. I got shy and creeped out but as I was walking out people were shaking my hand.

It still surprises me because dancing is something that I don't have any control over. It just happens. When I listen to music, I'm choreographing my head at all times. Give me a song and I'll get up and make a routine off the top of my head. I don't have a lot of formal training but to me, that makes it all the more special.

I don't dance much anymore. I'm not into the club scene so I find little moments to dance when I can. Whenever I walk to and from the kitchen, when I'm cooking, walking to the store... it makes me feel alive. It's my expression.

This also explains why I'm doing this blog. I understand things more than I used to now and I feel like I do have things to say. My voice is as important and anyone else's. I've had a bad habit of not feeling up to par with others - I compare too much and it's not necessarily. No one is the same. No one is better than another. We are all different and we all have something to say.

I feel like finally, after all this time, I know who Cassandra is. "Cassandraism" is something I thought of to label my theories on life. That's what this blog is all about.

9.23.2008

I've had a lot of wake up moments lately. I'm learning more and more about how people are and their motives. I may not understand why they do the things they do but I need to be aware to protect myself. I've given my trust to people who just wanted to use my kindness. That breaks my heart. I just want to be happy and for the people I love to be happy. I'll bend over backwards to make it happen.

My mother was the same way. She didn't see race or religion dispute being raised in a small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in a very religious family. She was there for her friends no matter what, even when she left the church and they dismissed her. And to see them crying at her funeral made me so angry. How can you ignore someone because they don't do what you want them to and then go around and show up at their funeral. I wasn't part of the church and as her daughter, I was insulted not to even be acknowledged.

It's the labels that we put on ourselves that divide us. I don't see myself as white, straight, brunette, agnostic.. whatever. I love who I love for who they are, not what they are. America prides itself on being a free country but obviously stereotypes reign and minds are still closed.

What's so wrong with being completely free?

Sean Penn's film "Into The Wild" really spoke to me. I highly recommend it.

9.20.2008

the beginning.

It's been quite a few years since I had a public blog. I have a few private ones that are protected by passwords and such and I don't talk about much except what's going on in my own personal life. Not necessarily something you want accessible to the rest of the world.

A lot has happened to me in the past year. Things I can't explain and are still very difficult to put into words. I'm not a language person as much as I would like to be. This is something I'm working on. My thoughts get mumbled in my head and my mouth can never seem to catch up. It sounds odd maybe but it's the best way to explain it.

This is why I'm very quiet when I first meet someone. I'm assessing things at all times and lately I've begun to go with the flow more and in that I've realized I've been missing out. I didn't work on my impulses enough and therefore I was stuck in a rut. A rut that was self inflicted.

New Years Eve was the beginning of what I like to call my enlightenment. If that sounds crazy to you, you haven't the faintest idea what that words means.

Back to what I was saying, why do a public blog now? Because now I feel like I have something to say. I don't know who will read this or who will care. But I feel like now is the time to let my thoughts be accessible to whoever would like to hear them. Maybe someone out there will identify with me and it's a sense of belonging and understanding that makes this world bearable.

This is the beginning of something beautiful.