1.28.2009

pour.

Lust is cheap

Love is priceless

My heart is worth millions.

1.16.2009

I've always believed that life is about balance and moderation. It's finding that balance that's always been my problem. When I'm into something I'm INTO it. In the past I've been INTO very bad things and I had to have some rude awakenings to realize that they were bad. I'm very open-minded and adventurous and I experimented a lot with things I shouldn't have in Los Angeles. I guess you could say I was very into mind altering substances.

Then I had my rude awakening and I fought my own temptations to get over the substance I most "enjoyed." I had to stay away from people who supplied it for me and keep myself from getting bored. There was a period of time where I had no days off because of work and school. I would come home and crash and there was no time in my schedule for bad things. That kept me out of trouble. I relapsed a few times and when I did, I felt so horrible about it. The last time I relapsed was in March 2008 and trust me, it wasn't easy or fun.

I haven't been giving myself credit for kicking the stuff on my own. I started NA meetings recently and for some reason, I felt like I needed to be there. I forgot about the time I already had under my belt. Sure, I used other things but not for very long and I never had that same sense of craving. It's like I finally grew up.

So now I'm learning that I can balance myself. I don't need to use bad things, but not all "drugs" are bad things. It's fine to have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer from time to time. I just know I don't want to get trashed again (see you later, Jack Daniels) because that's when I really had a problem. I CAN control myself. I am thankful though that I got that period of experimentation out of my system at a young age. I know better now and I know now not to make the same mistakes.

I want my life to be full and happy, don't we all? I don't think everything is so black and white.... the cozy grey area is the one I prefer.

1.12.2009



1.11.2009

fragile girl.

skin soft with eyes bright

a grace that fights against the darkest night

hair long in tangled strands

any secret you keep she surely understands

you crave to keep, to have, to hold

this fragile girl is a beautiful story yet to be told


1.05.2009

heart.



my words are floating

in a space of wilted flowers

a home cannot be found

when there is contempt of the heart

i want to be filled with light

to find warm in a soul

beautiful and open

but ever so bold


1.04.2009

giving up the joke.

I've decided to go with a more sober lifestyle. No more booze (of any form), no more drugs (including weed and pills) and no more bad relationships with people who don't deserve my time. I've realized in this past year that I've been covering up my real issues with substances that numbed me. I went out and got wasted more times than I want to count. And I would laugh about it the next day. It was like I turned myself into my own joke. And after everything that went down this year, I can't do that to myself again. I know I'm worth more than this.

The clarity I've experienced this past week is mind blowing. It's scary, yes... but I see what the benefits are going to be already. I already have many plans to do things that will ENRICH my life instead of distracting myself from it.

I've started to go to Narcotics Anonymous and I've realized that I have a problem with alcohol and drugs. I kept hearing about people hitting their bottom and thinking that I haven't yet. That's another joke. My bottom was these last few months with the "man" I was seeing. I was broke, brainwashed, controlled, isolated and clearly dependent on pot and beer. Without it I was able to see who he really was that that was too much for me to handle. I had altered my whole life for him and all he did was suck me dry and make me feel like I was worthless.

I felt like I screwed up my life beyond repair. I was so ashamed and lonely. I didn't want anyone to see how weak I had become. I really hate admitting defeat. All my life I had to be strong and it's so fucking exhausting. I wanted a break and I found it in drugs - or so I thought. It's hard now to change my patterns and to find things to replace all the time spent. But I'm willing....

1.01.2009

I cannot express how thankful I am for the new year. I'm using it as a catalyst to turn my life around. I've erased people, surroundings and other variables that have been hindering my own personal growth. This year is going to be about finding out who Cassandra is again. I forgot her and I miss her oh so much. I guess you could say that I'm going back to my roots, both figuratively and literally.

Steps have already been taken and I have a lot of plans for myself. I decided to try living my life sober meaning no alcohol or drugs. Living in a city like Los Angeles where drugs are part of the culture, I want to learn how to have fun and enjoy things without putting toxins in my body. I'm going to be replacing them with more positive things like mediation, exercise, art, dance and many other new things I've never tried before.

I feel like I'm falling in love with myself again. I've spent a lot of time recently giving myself up to people who never had my best interests at heart. I was so busy trying to keep someone else comfortable and happy that I suffered greatly. I don't blame anyone though because that path is what lead me to where I am today. There is no way I'll ever go backwards. Life has so much to offer and I want to experience it all. And remember it!

This blog will get a lot more personal in the coming months. If you are out there reading this, I thank you and I hope you find comfort in my words as I do with so many other distant friends online. They make me feel not so alone. I just saw the loveliest film today called "PS. I Love You" and there was this wonderful line that said:

So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.